Believe in yourself

The professor stood before his class of 30 senior molecular biology students, about to take the final exam.

"I have been privileged to be your instructor this semester, and I know how hard you have all worked to prepare for this test. I also know most of you are off to medical school or grad school next fall," he said to the class.

"I am well aware of how much pressure you are under to keep your GPAs up, and because I know you are all capable of understanding this material, I am prepared to offer an automatic 'B' to anyone who would prefer not to take the final."

The relief was audible as a number of students jumped up to thank the professor and departed from class.

The professor looked at the handful of students who remained, and offered again, "Any other takers? This is your last opportunity."

One more student decided to go. Seven students remained.

The professor closed the door and took attendance. Then he handed out the final exam. There were two sentences typed on the paper:

"Congratulations, you have just received an 'A' in this class. Keep believing in yourself."



Adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith.

Please read my other blog "Salt of Life" hyperlink "salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

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The perfect husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings. A man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes"

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes Benz dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$50,000"

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking "$250,000"

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $200,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $30,000 if it's really a pretty good buy."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

 

A tap on the shoulder

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

"No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab," the driver replied.

"I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."



Adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith

English hospitality

An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pubs to have a pint of beer. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with stately residences. No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Just follow me," says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.

He relieves himself immediately.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really nice of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir,” replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy."



Author unknown





Please read my other blog Salt of Life link salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

Funny medical notes

Are you a doctor or a nurse? Check if you have made some of these medical notes.

1. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993

2. The patient refused an autopsy.

3. The patient has no past history of suicides.

4. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to

work her up.

5. She is numb from her toes down.

6. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

7. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got

a divorce.

8. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

9. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared

completely.

10. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband says she was

very hot in bed last night.

Murphy's reminder

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest could not believe it when he saw him.

Murphy had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.

"I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine. I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With moist eyes the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?"

Murphy shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."




Adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith.

Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is facing a battle.
Life is short, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.

Please read my other blog Salt of Life hyperlink salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com
http://salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com/

Jokes about marriage

1, A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

3. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

4. A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"

His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

5. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.


6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

7. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman


Please visit my other blog Salt of Life hyperlink salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

The atheist and the bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out,'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty, Amen."




Adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith.

Please read my other blog Salt of Life link salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

Vanity is my name

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."


The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin ... it's simply a mistake."


Adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith.


Please read my other blog Salt of Life link salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

A sought-after dog

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
And behind the man was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

Not being able to contain his curiosity, he approached the man walking with the dog,

"I am so sorry to intrude, but I've never seen a dual-funeral like this with so many people walking in single line. Who were the two dead people?"

The man replied, "The first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin?"

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked
and killed her as well."

The man thinks for a moment, then asks "Can I borrow the dog?

The man replied, "Join the queue, pal."


Thanks to Ronnel Sapungan for sharing this joke.

Please read other blog Salt of Like with link salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

Friendship among women and among men

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Seven confirmed that he had slept over, and three said he was still there.




This joke is adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith

The Ilocano blood

Here's a joke that is uniquely Filipino. If you're not from the Philippines, let me give you a background to be able to appreciate it. Foremost is about the Ilocano, people who live in Ilocos Norte province in the norther Philippines. They are an industrious people and reputed to be very frugal. Their reputation for frugality has often been the butt of jokes in the Philippines.

Here's the story.

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Philippine Heart Center in Manila for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store blood of his type in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare blood type, it couldn't be found easily so the call went out to a number of provinces. Finally an Ilocano was located who had a similar blood type.

The Ilocano willingly donated his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano a new Toyota, diamonds and US dollars as a gesture of appreciation for the blood donation.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Ilocano who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano a thank-you card and a jar of candies.

The Ilocano was appalled that this time the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be as generous as before but you gave me only a thank-you card and a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Manong (an Ilocano's address to an elder), I have now an Ilocano blood in my veins".

Thanks to Dr. Bayani Katigbak, who says he is an Ilocano, for sharing us this joke

Please read my other blog Salt of Life at link salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

What's in a name?

The manager of a company noticed a new man one day and told him to come to his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager frowned: "Look, I don't know where you worked before, but I don't call anyone here by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees only by their last name - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, you may go back to your work now."

Adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith.

Please visit my other blog "Salt of Life" link salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com